RaveVlog

"THIS IS Liberty Hall!" Victorian hosts used to announce jovially upon welcoming visitors.

This was intended to convey that their hospitality was so unstructured as to permit guests the choice of either taking a walk or writing letters between the end of tea and the moment everyone was expected to go upstairs to dress for dinner.

It strikes Miss Manners as rather rash, nowadays, to suggest that guests do whatever they feel like. You never know what bizarre activities they might be able to think up, and what shape your furniture will be in when they finish. Yet hosts do this more than ever, and guests are enjoying it less.

There are few festivities more discouraging than those in which the guests are led to believe that they must decide everything for themselves. People who are told in advance that it doesn't matter what they wear, and who are given vague evening hours as an arrival time -- but not warned whether a full meal will be served -- generally find themselves in sports clothes at a dress-up party or vice versa, with everyone either sitting around grumpily waiting for them so dinner can start, or happily ensconced with prefilled tummies.

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(How other guests seem to be able to guess correctly on these issues has always been a mystery to Miss Manners, but there are never enough other wrong guessers around to keep the inappropriately dressed or fed guest psychological company.)

Miss Manners believes it to be the sacred duty of hosts to organize their parties and to guide their guests through them. Guests hate to improvise. A guest who is forced to dig for basic information by asking questions and then is told for his trouble, "It doesn't matter" understandably concludes that the whole evening probably won't matter much.

Minimum orders for hosts to issue to their guests are:

* What time really to get there. We all more or less understand that "6 to 8" means "6:45 to 9:15," but there are some 8 o'clock invitations to eat dinner at 8:40, and other 8 o'clock invitations to get drunk and stuff oneself with tiny bits of junk, and then eat dinner at 11:15. The latter is unfortunately more usual, so if the party is to be of the former kind, the host should say, "We'll be sitting down fairly promptly." The guest then knows that if he's not there by 8:20, the hose will grill his baby sitter about what time he left home.

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* How much one can expect to be given to eat. All entertainment scheduled to begin between 6 and 8, except those labeled "6 to 8" (puzzled readers should reread the previous paragraph) include dinner. This may be indicated as "dinner" (you will be issued table space, as well as a chair) or "buffet dinner" (chair only). A 9 p.m. invitation, for example, should include the word "reception" or "party" or "dance" if people need to be warned to seek full nourishment elsewhere.

* How to dress. Nobody has any trouble letting guests know that taking a shower beforehand would be considered pretentious, but modern hosts are embarrassed to tell people to make an effort. The third level of dressing up, after "white tie" and "black tie," is currently called, "Oh, we thought we'd dress just a little."

* What to drink. The correct offer of a drink mentions a choice of specifics ("Let's see: I have gin or Scotch, and there's wine if you like, or tomato juice"). The host who asks, "What do you want?" and claims to have "everything" deserves to spend an hour making Singaport slings and Bellinis.

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* When to eat dinner. "Please come in to dinner" must not only be said, but must be accompanied by the host's grabbing a key guest and forcibly walking that person in, while insisting that everyone else follow. Miss Manners doesn't know why people think it polite to accept a dinner invitation and then pretend they are reluctant to eat, but most do.

* Where to sit. People who are told to "sit anywhere" generally end up next to their own spouses or exspouses, suddenly unable to think of any topic of mutual interest other than car pools or custody schedules. The thoughtful host not only assigns each person a place, but shoos them away from their dinner partners before dinner, so they don't use up all conversation before they sit down.

* And finally, when to go home. This is -- more's the pity -- the only instruction that the host cannot put in words, and for which he requires some initiative on the part of the guest. It seems to be very difficult, even for exhausted or bored hosts, to refrain from saying, "Oh come on, it's still early," but replacing this urge with a silent smile is, Miss Manners assures them, the most valuable party rule of all.

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Q. Why do children always ask embarrassingly specific questions about sex when they are in public places (on the bus, etc.)? And how do I cope with this?

A. Why? Now that is an example of a childish question that need not be answered at all.

However, such questions as "What do "soft core" and "hard core" mean and what's the difference?" asked in a clear young voice by an alert child reading the signs while riding through the business district on a packed bus, do need to be answered. They are properly answered in two parts, only the second of which actually addresses the question. The first part consists of, "I'll tell you later" and is designed to disappoint a suddenly silent and attentive busload of passengers.

Q. My girlfriend has a lovely neck. How do I tell her how attractive her neck is? I don't want to sound mushy, but I want to sound complimentary.

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A. Without inquiring why one does not want to sound mushy to one's girlfriend, Miss Manners advises you to say, "You have such an aristocratic neck." What this means, or why it is considered complimentary, she cannot tell you, but it is inexplicably taken as both flattering and respectable.

Q. My husband and I attend many elegant dinners that usually consist of at least five courses. I am a terrible eater and usually don't eat the food at these affairs.

I have been declining courses I don't like, but my husband says I should take all the courses and, if I don't like one, "play around" with it, so as not to offend the hostess. I hate to waste food, though.

I try to explain to hostesses before dinner that I'm a picky eater, and don't like to waste, so they won't be offended. If I don't see her beforehand, I contact her as soon as it's proper.

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But is this proper? I don't want to be impolite.

A. In a truly polite world, no one, not even the hostess, notices what anybody else eats, and certainly no one dreams of commenting on it. You would then be safe, as, indeed, people were during the days of 14-course dinners. You don't think they ate everything in sight, do you? Even if they wanted to, their corsets and waistcoats wouldn't have let them.

This is not such a world. Miss Manners is glad that we are rid of the corsets, but the amount of talk about food nowadays is disgusting. Civilized people should at least pretend that they dine with one another for the company.

Calling yourself a "picky eater" could make you sound like a discriminating judge, thus offering hostesses a challenge.Try, "I've heard what a marvelous cook you are, but unfortunately I can eat just a very little," which implies that you must, for some health reason, curb a ravenous appetite against your will. If they think you're as interested in food as they, they will mind less whether you actually eat it.

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Nevertheless, it is best to avoid attracting the attention of plate-watchers. Take one forkful of each course, and if anyone challenges you, reply, "Oh, I shouldn't, but couldn't resist having a taste."

Miss Manners regards this as a compromise, but it will make your life easier. You must promise her, in return, not to get into further conversation should anyone have the ill grace to inquire what health or diet reasons you have for your moderate consumption of food. Practice saying firmly, "I'm not going to bore you with my eating habits."

Q. Over the last year, I have had two miscarriages. I am now just beginning the fifth month of my third pregnancy, and it looks as if I'll carry this one to term.

The problem is my coworkers and friends, who know about the past and are constantly hounding me with the following comments: "Are you sure you're pregnant?" "When are you going to gain weight?" (I'm very petite and am just starting to show.)

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I have tried such comments as "Everything's fine, don't worry," but they still have to "say their piece." Because of the miscarriages, I am sensitive and find it hard not to be defensive. How can I respond tactfully, yet bluntly enough so they'll stop questioning me?

A. Ah, yes, the helpful people, who believe that wombs need lots of friendly advice and encouragement to function. Your sample comment is really very good, and Miss Manners is sorry to have to tell you that the reason it doesn't work is that nothing will stop some people. A tearful look and a blurted, "I'm not supposed to get upset," would, but Miss Manners will understand if you do not want to resort to that.

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